Fan Letters!!!

   As you already know, I love giving back to my fans so I took some time from my busy schedule to answer some questions I've received in my fan mail. Yes, it's true....I actually read all the letters I get from you. Of course, there are stacks and stacks delivered daily but using highly intelligent Virginians, the ones not worth my time are sorted and recycled. Yes it's also true that I care about our planet. So here's a few of your questions:

Bianca, 32, from Moscow, Russia asks: "Tegann, you are so beautiful. What is your secret to maintaining your good looks?"
    There's no secret really. I've been told I'm God's greatest creation, but I like to think he/she, Buddha, Allah, the goats and elephants people worship and the holy aliens those wack job scientologists pray to must have all gotten together and made a gift from the gods, ME!!

Mitch, 45 from Toronto, Canada asks: "Miss Parx, you are such a bitch. Would you ever dominate me?"
    Oh, I'm a bitch? I will not give you pleasure by calling you down so here's my response. Who the f**k are you to call me a bitch you piece of s**t motherf****r. I would kick your a** and crush your tiny little b****s, but I know your twisted mind would enjoy that. So the answer is "NO", a**hole.

Isabella, 6, from Paris, France asks: "Tegann, when I grow up, I want to be just like you. Will you come to my school?"
    Aww sweetie, of course I will. You just need to ask your teacher to start fundraising ASAP to cover the expenses of a first class ticket and 4 star hotel. I love my young fans and think it's adorable when they have unrealistic dreams. Kinda like those fat kids who want to be princesses. It's like, "You aren't born into a royal family and no prince will marry a plumper." Look at your moms...that's you in the future so keep it realistic kids.

Oprah, 58, from Chicago asks: "You've won countless journalism awards. What interview are you most proud of?"
     All the post are like my kids so of course, I can't say which is my favorite. They are all product of determination and hard work to bring you the best piece possible. Now like any parent with a family, I do have my favorite and only tell them when the others aren't around so I won't have to listen to bitching and complaining. 

Frank "The Tank", 21, Las Vegas, NV asks: "Remember me? I was at the frat house last Saturday where you did that trick with the bottle of tequila, a sombrero and donkey while draped in nothing but a Mexican flag. I didn't know a girl could actually handle a....."
    Let me cut you off right there, moron. I think you should attend more classes and less parties if you think I would ever be caught dead at a dingy frat house. So, lay off the booze before it kills the last two brain cells it took to put this stupid, ridiculous question together. If anyone finds, an earring there though can send it to my manager and I'll personally make sure it gets returned to the owner.

Mitt, 65, Detroit, Mi asks: "Are you voting Romney or Obama for Pres?"
    Oh dear lord. That's like asking which eye I'd like poked out. However, I can't complain about the idiot that gets elected unless I vote, so I gotta pick one of these puppets. I am afraid to answer the question as it will sway so many votes, I'm unsure the country would still be considered a democracy.

Hugo, 10, Milan asks: "What's your halloween costume this year?"
     I think I'm going to stick a Tootsie Roll in my mouth, put on my Saints jersey and be "Perfection Personified"

Martina, 17, Stockholm asks: "You inspire so many people in so many ways. Who inspired you to be who you are?"
    I would say Madonna, Mother Teresa and Bill Gates. Though its pretty evident, I used my innovative genius and my goodwill to become a world known superdiva. Duh...

Dr Laura, 666, Hell asks: "You are married to a woman. Does that mean you're a dyke?"
    What!?!? No, I am not!!! I am normal. I don't wear plaid, army boots and a bandanna over my shaved head. I am a feminine goddess. When it comes to our marriage, sexual preference isn't involved....it's a bond of awesomeness. Why does it matter to you anyway, Hitler. Get a life and stay outta mine, douche.

Mark Z, information withheld asks: "Do you have facebook or twitter? If so, can you add me?"
    No, I have no time for such foolishness. People have created fake accounts, but they crumbled under the pressure of pretending to be me. After I hired hackers and a few mob hits, the accounts are now closed and the imposters have been taken care of. Umm that last part was a joke.

 Phil, 57, Redneck County, USA asks: "In your interview, there are times you show signs of someone with drug and/or alcohol problems. Have you ever been to rehab?"
    You dumb fuck. I'm a model citizen. All 7 DUI's were dropped by the judge. Yea, he was uncle, but even a family member wouldn't sweep that many under the table, right? Innocent!! As for your stupid question, I am totally sober. I was only in rehab doing research for a movie role. Oh and I met your crackhead mama and drunk grandma in there, bitch..

Jacob, 51,  Sydney, Australia asks: "I purchased a fork you used at a restaurant on ebay. Would you mind if I cloned you?"
    First of all, you are an idiot. I always bring my own silverware to any place I eat out. I'm not gonna use something that's been in somebody's mouth. What if it was used by a diabetic, black guy or Texan....or, oh god, dare I even think about the thought of a combination of the three. Just ewww, freak.
   As for the cloning question, if there ever was a chance of cloning me this year, it would prove the Mayans right about the world ending in 2012. One planet doesn't deserve two Tegann California Parx's.

Hannah,28, Tokyo, Japan asks: "I love you but how do you deal with haters?"
    Haters? People worship me. I am so loved, even the jealous can't help but adore me.

Gina, 24, Los Angeles asks: "I just completed my internship at Time magazine. They offered me a permanent position but I would decline if I knew I had a shot at any job, from doing horoscopes to getting you lunch, at SLifestyles. What are the possibilities?"
    Send me a face and full body pic, along with your measurements and clean STD test and we'll go from there.

Juan, 73, Mexico City asks: "I had a dream that I actually went on a date with you. It was incredible. What would be your dream date?"
    I bet that dream woke the dead, right gramps? I already had my dream date. I wrote a script for Black Swan 2 starring Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman and I, but on the 15th day of filming, they had to pull out due to the pressure of co-starring with me. It was going great until countless porn companies tried to buy the rights. Long story short, it was a great two week date and I got the tape to prove it.

Benny N, 54, Jerusalem, Israel asks: "Tegann, I believe you are capable of anything. What advice would you give to world leaders regarding conflicts involving Iran, Israel, Syria, etc?"
    People need to chillax. I think the leaders of both opposing sides should meet bringing the best of what they have to offer. For example, if the Israeli and Iranian leaders met, and brought the best liquor, drugs and ho's their countries had to offer for the other to experience, how could he feel the need to destroy it afterwards. Pussy and booze.... the solution to all world problems.

If you got questions for me, send them to me and I'll try my best to answer them all in Fan Letters #2. I'd like to add that gifts and/or monetary donations increases the chances of the letter getting past the Virginians.