I wouldn't have become the queen of all SL media by being close-minded and not putting myself in uncomfortable positions, whereby I lower myself to fit in with the rest of SL. It's not easy for me to do this, so I hope people realize its done with the reader in mind. Can you imagine Oprah going undercover as a cracked out prostitute? Well, its not unlike what I've done in this edition of SLifestyles. I will give you the opportunity on going on a blind date through the eyes of the one and only, Tegann Parx!!
So, I get all prettied up (which doesn't take much effort) and take my personal limo to the restaurant. I would never have a guy pick me up for so many reasons:
1. Most likely, he will fall in love with me and stalk me.
2. I don't want mid to low class car stench clinging to my high class clothes.
3. How could he possibly keep his focus on the road when I'm sitting next to him
This face is insured for millions but I'm not taking the chance of messing with perfection by being in an accident.
Out of the car, I step, to the familiar blinding lights of paparazzi camera flashes. As security beats them aside, I walk through the bodies and inside the restaurant. With all eyes on me, I'm escorted to my seat next to the lucky guy. First impressions are important so here is what I give him (out of 10):
Hair- Boring. Prince Charles-like and I'm no Camilla (2)
Physique- Cheeseburger diet and toilet squatting is the only exercise this guy gets (1)
Clothes: I've seen better on in National Geographic does African poverty but at least they cover up his body (9)
Shoes: I can't see them because they are under the table...thankfully (9)
Odor: Walmart cologne with a mix of Honda Civic does not equal the smell of Benjamins (1)
Overall Looks: If he worked for me and I was wasted, I possibly could...maybe (2)
As I sit, I can tell by his expression that he's in awe of the spectacle before him. After a few moments he regains his composure just enough to speak:
Max Van der Heuser:(drools) Hmmmmmm
TP: Hi
Max Van der Heuser: Hi yourself (wow, lame but possibly still stunned by my presence)
TP: What do you like to do for fun in SL?
Max Van der Heuser: Play with little cuties (I bet!! Maybe kittens that aren't old enough to run away??)
TP: Oh? What type of girls do you like?
Max Van der Heuser: The type that squeal when I lick them. (Squeal....really? Should I run now?)
TP: Like a pig?
Max Van der Heuser: Well, maybe so haha (Zoosadism: the sexual attraction to inflicting pain or seeing pain inflicted on animals)
TP: I'm confused. You like girls with turned up noses, a few extra pounds and perhaps a squiggly tail?
Max Van der Heuser: I like girls with daddy issues, who like their legs in the air, and my head in their pussies. (Waits for Ashton Kutcher to come out with his cameras, telling me I'm PUNKED!!)
TP: Why do you like girls with baggage?
Max Van der Heuser: Easier to walk away... (umm okaayyy. Walking away sounds like a good plan now BUT I am here for the Tegannators)
TP: So screw 'em and screw 'em over?
Max Van der Heuser: Screw them and then see if they come back for more (me thinks he's still waiting)
TP: You don't sound like dating material, to be honest
Max Van der Heuser: Who said anything about dating? (Are we not on a D_TE)
TP: You want to skip dating and go straight to marriage?
Max Van der Heuser: Definitely never said anything about marriage ... SL isnt about dating or marriage or do you take it way too serious? (Is this one of those terminally ill people and I'm here fulfilling their dying wish. Did my manager mess up my calendar? Why am I here?)
TP: Why wouldn't you want to marry me? I'm the best you could ever dream of...
Max Van der Heuser: You are too confrontational and I am pretty sure you are no where close to the best (Ok so now he has realized the obvious...I'm out of his league and in a final attempt to save face, he's trying to put me down. Who's he trying to fool. Who the fuck else is the best if it not me?)
TP: I am "too" nothing (except TOO good for him)
Max Van der Heuser: See - proved me right (nooo everything about me being here is sooo WRONG)
TP: You're just proving you aren't at my level because you are ignorant to the fact that I am superior to any other avatar you know.
Max Van der Heuser: Attractive, but in the end, it would never work out. (you are just figuring this out now?) Stay on that pedestal ... hope that works out for you. It was fun chatting. (I sense bitterness and sarcasm)
TP: Of course. Everyone loves chatting me
Max Van der Heuser: I bet they do
Sitting back in my car, I reflect on the evening. It was evident the guy wasn't in the .05% of the SL population that are within my league, but was that the reason behind his hostility towards me? Many times, my dates can't handle the attention on them from within a small gathering. If they aren't capable of that, there's no way they can withstand the legions of my screaming fans. Could the realization of this during dinner messed up his mind? Who knows. In my expert opinion, his parents paid their life savings to set this up with a mutual contact. They could not accept the fact that their son was gay. They were, however, smart enough to know that if there was any hope to save him from homosexuality, that being with me was it. Little did they know, homosexuality isn't a choice and he was born this way. He saw perfection personified and knew there was no penis between my legs. He couldn't accept his lifestyle at that moment and it filled him with hate. Anyways, it's not my problem. I'm sure it won't be his for long either. With all the medications, shrink visits and suicide attempts, his mind will be too scrambled. The moral of the story is: If you are in over your head, you will probably drown.
Made my day
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